A Heavy Weight
by dawseycfd
Summary: Gabriela Dawson finally breaks down following the events of 4x10


Matt and I enter out apartment, completely exhausted. It's late at night and we are just getting back from the hospital. I've been there for over a day straight, while Matt has been there with me the last few hours. After Herrmann got stabbed, Matt allowed me to take off the rest of shift and to wait with Cindy. Then, after shift finished Matt came to Chicago Med and stayed with me.

The last day has been extremely stressful. Herrmann almost didn't make it, and I was honestly terrified that he wouldn't. Finally, after a very long time, his last surgery was successful and completely stabilized Herrmann. Now, chances are he's going to be okay and he's going to fully recover.

I'm practically shaking now, all the fear I've felt the last day coming back to me. I was the one who found Herrmann who was laying on the ground with blood gushing out of him. I was the one to go into the ambulance with him and I was the one who was by Cindy's side the whole time. While waiting with Cindy, I had to stay calm for her.

Herrmann is basically like a father to me, so when he almost died, I started freaking out. He's my mentor on and off work, and he means a whole lot to me. He's the one who helped me through my miscarriage, so I made sure to be there for him and his family.

I can't help but keep thinking to myself, "why me?" This past year so much has happened to me, and I can't attend another funeral. I can't keep going to the hospital and losing the people I love. Whenever I'm finally happy, something bad happens to me or the people I care about. I keep getting thrown the curveball and I know that I'm reaching my breaking point.

Matt puts his keys on the table and sighs. "Kelly's staying at the hospital tonight," he tells me and I nod my head, not really in the mood for talking. I know Matt has been frustrated with me for being so distant with him ever since the baby. I have shut him out during all these events because I'm scared to break down in front of him.

"I'm going to bath," I mutter, heading to our bathroom after he nods his head. "You want me to come in?," he asks as I make my way to the bathroom. "No, it's okay," I say, needing some time to myself. He's no doubt frustrated with my continue to shut him down. I hear the fridge open and I know he's grabbing a beer. Today's been rough and we both need to relax the best we can. Besides, I'm sure we'll both be heading back to the hospital tomorrow morning.

I head to the bathroom and lean over the sink and look at my reflection. I look sleep deprived and exhausted. I look awful, I know it. I turn on the sink and slash water on my face. I'm such a huge mess right now and I'm still so confused and lost. It's been over a month since the miscarriage, but I still have a weight in my heart.

Then, I turn on the water for the bath, knowing I could use sometime in the tub to think and calm myself down. I grab the towels and I hear my phone buzz. I sit on the edge of the sink, waiting it to fill as I reach for my phone in my pocket. As I take it out of my pocket, it slips from my hands and falls into the bathtub filled with water.

I quickly reach for the phone and grab it from the water. I try turning it on, but it won't. The water broke my iPhone, and beyond pissed, I yell, "Damn it!" I throw it back in the water, my anger taking over me. Bad stuff keeps happening to me and I can't escape it. I reach my breaking point and everything that I've been keeping in this past month is finally let out.

I start to shake and once again scream in frustration for allowing myself to become so lost and vulnerable. I hear footsteps running down the hallway and I hear Matt shout in a panicked voice, "Gabby, is everything okay?" He enters the bathroom to find me sitting on the floor, the tears starting to stream out of my eyes.

I start sobbing, letting everything out, the pain becoming unbearable. "Gabby," he whispers, coming to my side right away. I continue to sob, at first pushing him away from me, not wanting him to see me like this. This weight is way too much and I don't know how I can keep going.

I need Shay, I repeat to myself. I need her so bad, but she's not here. Because we traded places. Another thing that allowed me to get this bad. I still blame myself and I know I shouldn't, but I do. I need my bestfriend so badly.

Matt doesn't go away though, he takes me in his arms, and as I continue to break down, I try to push him away as he holds me tightly. "Stop!" I shout at first, but he keeps holding me tightly. I'm pushing and trying to shove him, but I finally give up and rest my head on his shoulder, my tears now soaking his shirt.

"Why me," I choke out, now thinking of the baby. The thing that was going to make everything better, the thing I was most excited about. I think about how Matt and I were going to live in a house together and grow old together with our kids. And how that was taken away from us.

Matt rubs my back, trying to calm me down, but I don't. This is my breaking point and I cannot keep my strength. I can't keep this all in anymore and I don't want to. I want this pain to go away, that heavy weight in my heart.

Chaplin's words come to mind. When I nearly broke down in front of him yet again after losing the baby. He told me, "You are strong," and I believed him then, but I'm not so sure anymore. The truth is that I'm weak. I can't fight this battle. These curveballs keep getting thrown at me and I can't take anymore.

"Gabby, it's okay. Let it out," Matt whispers, continuing to hold me as tightly as I can. He repeats those words and I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying and now I am starting to lose it. My head is throbbing and I can barely think now. The pain is taking over my thoughts.

"Let it out, it's okay," Matt whispers, comforting me. "Why me," I choke out again, those two words continuing to cross my mind. "You are strong, Gabby. The strongest person I know. It's going to be okay, I promise," he mutters and I let out another sob.

And the tears keep coming and coming and coming. Eventually, his soft words and comforting calms me down enough to stop me from crying. Now, few tears fall down my face and his shirt is completely soaked in my tears.

"I love you," he says kissing my head. Then, once I'm calm enough, he whispers, "Why don't we get in bed?" I nod my head and he wipes a tear from my eye. So, he lifts me carefully and I let out a small laugh, suddenly so grateful for him. He's the only one who can make me smile during times like these.

He lays me in bed and puts the covers over me. Then, he gets in bed as well. He lays next to me and turns to face me. "Talk to me," he whispers, and for once, I decide to let him in. I need someone to talk to right now so bad. I've tried to keep everything in, and I just exploded because of it.

"This has all, it's just been too much," I admit, my voice shaking a bit. "Shay, the baby, and now Herrmann. So many bad things keep happening to me," I finish, closing my eyes for a second, scared to see his reaction. He gently puts his hand on my cheek and whispers, "I know it's been hard Gabby, but I'm here for you. Everything's okay, I promise."

I nod and say, "It's just, after everything that's happened, I have this weight in my heart and I can't get rid of it. I've been feeling so much pain and I want to get rid of it so bad." Tears start to form in my eyes again and once again, he says gently, "I know baby. These bad things keep happening and you're feeling pain, but I'm here for you. I'm going to help you through it, always. The pain will go away eventually, just lean on me okay? I'm here."

I'm so grateful for Matt, he's my everything. He's my rock. "You're always been there for me," I admit, not even knowing where to begin for thanking him. "And I always will be. Just talk to me when you feel like this because I can help you through it, Gabs," he whispers in his calm voice.

"You're the best fiancé ever," I admit and he smiles. "So, I saw your phone in the bath. I guess we'll go get a new phone tomorrow," he says, lightening the mood. I let out a small laugh and actually find myself having a small smile.

I move myself so that my head is resting on his chest and his arms are around my small body. "I love you more than anything, Gabriela Dawson," he mutters and I soon find myself drifting off in his arms. Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure of it.


End file.
